The Feminist in the Cherry Print Apron

I am a Feminist. Not a pants-suit wearing, ‘breaking down the boys club’ Feminist, but a  ‘Let’s tear down the current social structure and start the whole thing over again’ Feminist. I graduated from a conservative liberal arts college, where I was the annoying chick who raised her hand in classes to remind the frat boys that it is actually a felony to have sex with a really drunk girl. (I’m still not sure how I managed to make this a relevant comment in every non-Women’s Studies class I took.) From there, I jumped headlong into a career of social justice advocacy, spreading the crazy notion that every woman has the right to be happy, safe, and comfortable in her home and community.

And yet, here I am – a mother of three in her early Thirties, staying at home to cook meals, tend chickens, and hang dry laundry. Any day now, a cherry print apron I ordered last week will arrive. By all appearances, I could be the best friend of my grandmother in 1955 pre-Second Wave America, standing by her man because that’s the only choice she had. How is this a Feminist lifestyle? If Jerry Falwell could agree with a Feminist about one thing, it would be that it isn’t. Most would either say that I talk the talk but don’t walk the walk, or that I’ve forgotten my ideals altogether and conformed to societal norms of what a woman should do.

This begs the question—what does it mean to be a Feminist? Feminists vary widely in their political views, believe it or not.  Feminism means different things to different people.  There are a couple things that most Feminists would claim inform their worldview, though. First, the personal is political. Second, one should always consider the dominant social paradigm with a critical eye. It is with this lens that I view my role as a mother.

I do not believe (obviously) that Feminism has destroyed the American family, as many assert. It is not Feminism that has disconnected us from our loved ones. The fact that women can work outside the home and divorce abusive or unfaithful spouses does not destroy family values. The evidence suggests that greater gender equality directly correlates with stronger, more stable societies, and the happiest societies are the most equitable.

Americans have grown increasingly disconnected from our families as our daily lives have become a race to make more money, be more materially successful, and demonstrate our success by having our children excel in 15 extra-curricular activities. We are so busy being humans doing that we no longer allow ourselves to just be human beings.  How can we connect in a genuine way with those around us if we are too busy trying to stay on top? 

Shortly before becoming a first time mother, I heard an anonymous person at a conference say, “Consumerism is a distraction from a void created by itself.” This statement has lingered in my consciousness as I’ve grown into a woman and a mother.  Consumerist society is a snake eating its own tail, and we all lurk somewhere in its belly thinking of nothing other than how big our own portion will be in comparison to the others around us. We never stop to analyze whether we should really be in this mess, what it’s doing to us, or how we might find our way out.

As I’ve developed my parenting style, I’ve come to realize that this is really the most important lesson I can teach my children about living in this world, in this culture, here and now. I do not want them to believe the futile battleground of consumerist America should dictate their own personal goals or ideals. I don’t want my children to believe that the value of their lives is measurable by the value of their shoes. I want them to value others and themselves for the quality of their soul, for their willingness and ability to love, give, create, think critically, and contribute substantively to the world around them. If I can provide this gift to my children, then I will have done my job as a mother.

And I will have done my job as a Feminist because I will have made the personal political, not just for me but also for my children. My hope is to plant a seed that may germinate into a different understanding of what society should value, and how we, as parents, workers, friends, and community members, should define success.

To impact the worldview of our children, my husband and I strive to create an environment in which we demonstrate directly the Quality and value of using our energy and resources to act in ways that are advantageous to our family and our world. So, I’ve hung up my social worker sweater in favor of a cherry print apron. Instead of teaching strangers the practice of non-violent conflict resolution, I’m teaching my children that butchering a chicken in the backyard can be an act of loving-kindness, and how our daily actions can impact the world around us, for better or for worse.